Liham ng Isang Tanga

Noong una kong hinain sa’yo ang aking buong pagkataong puno ng alinlangan, ngiti at tawa lamang ang iyong nakita. Noong iladlad ko sa’yo ang aking kahinaan, pagpikit lamang ang iyong ginawa. Siguro ay nababalot na ako ng napakaraming telang pinagpatong-patong kaya’t hindi mo ako makita. Hindi mo makita ang totoong ako. Hindi mo makita ang nararamdaman ko. Hindi mo magawang makita lahat ng pagsisikap na ginagawa ko para lang makalimutan mo siya.

Oo, ako si tanga, na pumayag na ibigay sa’yo ang buong-buong ako kahit alam kong hindi mo maibibigay sa akin ang buong-buong ikaw. Hindi mo magawa dahil ang malaki mong parte ay hawak parin ng iba. Ang parteng kahit yun lang ay sapat na para sa akin pero hawak parin niya. Ang parteng maaari ng bumuhay sa akin pero hindi mo magawang kunin sa kanya dahil kahit ayaw mong aminin alam kong mahal mo parin siya. Mahal mo parin kaya’t hanggang ngayon umaasa ka na baka may pagasa pa.

Kaya ako na naman itong si tangang umaasa na sa bawat haplos ko’y malilimutan mo ang mga sandaling ang kanyang palad ay humahagod sa iyong balat. Umaasa ako na sana sapat na aking mga yakap, na hindi mo na hahangarin ang mga yapos ng iba. Sa tuwing nararamdaman ko ang mainit mong katawan, iniisip kong sana ay para sa akin ka lamang nag-iinit dahil hindi ko naiisin ang iba pang temperatura. Dahil ayoko ng lamig. Dahil ayoko ng panlalamig. Dahil ayoko ng panlalamig mula sa’yo. Dahil ayokong mapawi ang naglalagablab kong damdamin. Dahil ayokong maging sin-tigas at sin-lamig ng yelo ang aking puso na maaaring matunaw at tuluyang mawalan ng saysay.

Maunawaan mo sana na ang hinahangad ko ngayon ay maglaho lahat ng lungkot at pighati na nararamdaman mo. Kapit at yakap ay aking hinihigpitan upang maramdaman mo, upang marinig mo, upang sa unang pagkakataon ay masilayan mo ang puso kong nagdurugo. Nadudurog. Wasak. Pero ayos lang. Masokista ako. Okay lang na pauli-ulit akong masaktan. Okay lang na sa tuwing sasapit ang gabi, luha ko ay kusang kumakawala sa aking mga mata dahil alam kong siya ang iniisip mo bago ka pumikit. Ayos lang. Okay lang. Okay lang. Ayos lang. Wag ka lang masaktan.

Pero bigo ako sa tangi kong misyon dahil hindi ko maibibigay sayo ang ligaya mo. Dahil hindi ko kayang ibigay sayo. Dahil hindi ko gustong ibigay sayo. Siguro ay madamot ako. Siguro ay makasarili ako. Pero paano ko ihahandog sayo ang kaligayahan mo kung ang kahulugan nito ay ang pagkalaho ko sa buhay mo? Ang kahulugan nito ay ang pagbabalik niya sa tronong akala ko ay naangkin ko na. Tronong aking inalagaan dahil wala na akong nanaisin pang ibang lugar kung hindi sa tabi mo.

Kaya nandito na naman ako at magpapaka-tanga. Susubukan lahat ng paraan. Sisikaping mapasaakin ang kanyang pagmamay-ari. Hindi ko alam kung gaano katagal. Hindi ko alam kung hanggang saan aabot. Hindi ko alam kung posible pa ba. Pero mahal, bukas sa pagmulat ng iyong mga mata, sana ako naman ang pumasok sa isipan mo.

-Katy O.

To the Person I Hypothetically Left

To the person I hypothetically left:

I don’t know if ‘leaving you’ is the correct phrase to describe what I did, but what I am sure about is that it is the best thing I might have done. If blocking you on facebook, twitter, instagram, and viber is considered a ‘break-up’, then so be it. But oh boy! It was never easy.

You have no idea how much I wanted to click that little unblock button. You have no idea how much I still visit your pages through a different account. You have no idea how often I think of you when my phone vibrates even though your number is already on the automatic reject list.

We might have not seen each other yet, and we might never be, but just to give you a little glimpse of my mind, I am still hoping that someday I can have a peek of your surface. And yes, I would still love to see your soul but in this current situation, it is a mission impossible. Your facade is enough, for now.

Up until now, I still look at your pictures, and admire the wrinkles around your eyes. No, you’re not old but I craved to know the story behind those folds. I wonder if happy thoughts have caused it or not. If it is caused by happy thoughts, what or who could be the reason? And if it is not, then let me know because I could slay dragons for you if you would let me, if you would let me in your world, if you would let me see you underneath those layers.

But in the end, we knew what we were. You made your expectations clear from the beginning, and I agreed to that half-heartedly. Please understand that I am leaving you not because of what you cannot give me, but because of what I cannot give you. I cannot give you myself without also handing you my heart. It is package, an all or nothing deal, and I know that my heart has no place in you. I’ve been through that shady road before. Past ‘relationships’ gave me trauma and paranoia. I don’t want to be devastated again, so parting ways with you might have been the best decision. It is a decision that shatters my optimistic hopes and dreams of us together, but also a decision that will save me.

So this is my goodbye, the goodbye I never said. I hope someday I could see the universe in your eyes, but for now, goodbye.
 

-Katy O. 

Dearest Love

Dearest Love,
Sorry for being a spoiled brat bitch who only thinks of her own sake
Believe it or not, I care for you
I care for you so much I can’t think of a way to make you feel it

Dearest Love,
Sorry for being irrational and immature almost all the time
I keep pushing you away but please understand that I never want you to go

Dearest Love,
Please have a little more patience
Forgive my stubbornness
Don’t let go of my hands

Dearest Love,
Wrap me around your fingers, clip my wings
I don’t mind losing my freedom
All I want is to feel your warmth
Keeping my body from the severe coldness outside

Dearest Love,
I love you
I love you so much but words couldn’t come out of my mouth
I tried very hard to tell you but I am afraid of what might happen next

Dearest Love,
Perhaps our chapter needs to end here

Dearest Love,
Until we meet again.

                                                                                               - Katy O.

Hide and Seek

“Come on, darling! Do you wanna play hide and seek?” The woman with big brown eyes asked her daughter, and the little girl answered yes enthusiastically and with a slight lisp.

“Am I gonna hide or you’ll hide?” The woman asked again.

“You hide!” Shouted the little girl.

So the little girl faces the wall, and counted till 10.

“1…2…3”

The little girl could hear footsteps ticking through the wooden floor.

“4…5…6”

The footsteps are now barely audible.

“7…8…9”

There was a click on the door.

“10! Mommy! Am gonna find you!” The little girl’s voice echoed into the empty living room. The little girl ran to the dining room. She crawled under the table hoping to find her mommy hiding there but to her disappointment, she only saw pieces of clutter underneath. As she was heading to the pantry, she heard a car’s engine ignites.  

The little girl went to the window near the entrance door, and there she saw the car, in which her mommy is driving, pulls away from the driveway. The little girl stood by the window, unable to move. She watched the car until it was out of her sight.

That was the last time the little girl saw the woman with big brown eyes.

                                                                                                                    -Katy O.