To the Person I Hypothetically Left

To the person I hypothetically left:

I don’t know if ‘leaving you’ is the correct phrase to describe what I did, but what I am sure about is that it is the best thing I might have done. If blocking you on facebook, twitter, instagram, and viber is considered a ‘break-up’, then so be it. But oh boy! It was never easy.

You have no idea how much I wanted to click that little unblock button. You have no idea how much I still visit your pages through a different account. You have no idea how often I think of you when my phone vibrates even though your number is already on the automatic reject list.

We might have not seen each other yet, and we might never be, but just to give you a little glimpse of my mind, I am still hoping that someday I can have a peek of your surface. And yes, I would still love to see your soul but in this current situation, it is a mission impossible. Your facade is enough, for now.

Up until now, I still look at your pictures, and admire the wrinkles around your eyes. No, you’re not old but I craved to know the story behind those folds. I wonder if happy thoughts have caused it or not. If it is caused by happy thoughts, what or who could be the reason? And if it is not, then let me know because I could slay dragons for you if you would let me, if you would let me in your world, if you would let me see you underneath those layers.

But in the end, we knew what we were. You made your expectations clear from the beginning, and I agreed to that half-heartedly. Please understand that I am leaving you not because of what you cannot give me, but because of what I cannot give you. I cannot give you myself without also handing you my heart. It is package, an all or nothing deal, and I know that my heart has no place in you. I’ve been through that shady road before. Past ‘relationships’ gave me trauma and paranoia. I don’t want to be devastated again, so parting ways with you might have been the best decision. It is a decision that shatters my optimistic hopes and dreams of us together, but also a decision that will save me.

So this is my goodbye, the goodbye I never said. I hope someday I could see the universe in your eyes, but for now, goodbye.
 

-Katy O.